First pain killers and now viruses... next up will be appendicitis vs kidney stones or prostate exams vs mammograms.
Unlike Tylenol and Advil, the two celebrities facing off today are more notorious and wicked vs. anything resembling Anne Hathaway or Christian Bale. Stomach Flu is a vicious, overgrown lump of a villain who has a hot temper and goes for the gut with teeth rattling punches. Head Cold is a soulless hermaphrodite from Paris who plays and tortures its victims with cool detachment. Regulations require they shouldn't even be allowed to play celebrity death match here at Fairytales and Frenchfries, but my immune system needs a break and if they're pummeling each other, maybe it will distract them from me.
As expected, Stomach Flu takes the first swing, but Head Cold dodges it easily. The Stomach Flu always hits without warning and when it's most inconvenient, but the Head Cold sneaks into parties, schools and work disguised as "allergies". It's used to creeping into places, plus people have a high tolerance for it (whereas you can vacate a room and offer bleach showers if someone shows the slightest hint of the flu). But then, when you least expect it, Head Cold tiptoes in and slyly WHAM! It's got a machete named Pnuemonia.
Consequently Stomach Flu has just been dealt a deadly blow, and he's on the floor ( machete wounds are never pretty), but he doesn't stay down long. Everybody knows that Stomach viruses are if anything, disgustingly determined. Just when you think you've thrown up everything you could possibly throw up... Stomach Flu kicks you in the back, burns you up and gives you a swirly.
Head Cold is weaving a little now, Stomach Flu may be big and stupid, but he's twice as despised and his fists are as big and ugly as minivans. Head Cold makes one last go of it, throwing a barrel of pepto bismo at Stomach Flu's head, but Stomach Flu just laughs and turns on a hose of Nyquil, Sudafed and Advil. It's a deadly cocktail of acid for poor fashion concious Head Cold, and the fight is over.
Because you can always drown out a cold with enough drugs, but nothing stands a chance against an out of control stomach bug. Plus, nobody...nobody likes to throw up.