1. Meditate.
Not in a garden, not while doing yoga. And whatever you do, absolutely not with tranquil music playing in the background. Those kinds of things are perpetually bound by the laws of Professor Murphy. Your dog will poop in your lap. Your kids will land on your head with a bowl of soup. Instead, the best way to meditate is while screaming into a bathroom towel.
2. Wallow in your problems.
I mean really wallow.
Wallowing is a professional sport in two make-believe kingdoms and an island off the top of Greenland. It can burn calories, accomplish great things and takes a great deal of training to perfect. For example, tripping on a pile of laundry, is an excellent starting point for a good wallow. You begin with reminding yourself what a horrible housekeeper you are, and end up with your head in the washing machine, scrubbing it out with a toothbrush. Your floor needs mopping? Wallow on the horrible state of the grout and you can scrape/bleach that clean too.
3. Make yourself a drink.
Not the alcoholic kind, that's a bit socially unstable. And not a cozy cup of tea or hot chocolate with a good book or movie. That's traditional advice, and if you're really in the dumps, angsty cliche's are the last thing one needs. It drifts dangerously close to the inescapable pits of self pity and despair. Instead, try this recipe.
1 part hot sauce
2 parts mayo or some other disgusting oozy looking thing in your fridge
1 part banana (extra points if it's moldy)
1 part cabbage (broccoli works in a pinch)
Blend until frothy. Chug. Your day hitherto will suddenly seem much better, or decidedly get much worse. Either way, you're not in the same place you were.
4. Play music.
First, throw your ipod at a plate glass window as hard as you can. Then, let your kids loose in the pots and pans cupboard with a bunch of spoons. Next, go trigger the "test" buttons on all the smoke detectors in the house. After that, go put batteries back in all the obnoxious toys your mother in law gave the kids for Christmas. If they have volume controls...turn them all to "high". If you do this step right, you should be unconscious in less than five minutes. Sometimes you have to tempt the dog into barking in order for your band to achieve full potential. A cardboard cutout of the mailman should be sufficient.
5. Take a smoke break. Traditionally discouraged because of its bad affect on lungs. Also, illegal in 50 states except for TX.
For best results, turn oven onto broil. Fill cookie sheet with bread or preferably bacon. Don't set the timer, then go take a hot shower. If the house isn't full of smoke and the smell of burning dinner by the time you're done, go take another shower. If the house still isn't full of smoke, it may be because you accidentally used brussel sprouts in a sauce pan, which isn't ideal. Doesn't smoke much and it just ruins your pots (although the smell might clear the house). Make sure to time your burning dinner with the arrival of your husband/significant other, and you'll be guaranteed a relaxing night out to eat. Another bonus? No dishes.
....whatever you do, don't take out your bad day on your kids/pets/spouse/friends.
Happy day-before-Friday.
Esther
November 18, 2010 at 2:53 PM
ROFL - too funny :)
November 18, 2010 at 3:14 PM
bookmarking this for...a day very soon I fear.
November 18, 2010 at 3:25 PM
LOL. You can also sniff paint fumes because you're dumb enough to paint without opening any windows... and then find yourself passed out on the floor with a horrible pain in your head... that works. ;-)
November 18, 2010 at 9:58 PM
I so could have used this advice today. Can it work with out getting evicted. Oh and not getting thrown into jail lol or maybe go to the nutty ward lol you are hilarious - love this. when is there going to be a Book. I want to enrich my fiancé on hint things that could happened when I'm hormonal. But ill put it in my own words lol loveeeeeee iTttt esther!!!!!
November 21, 2010 at 9:42 PM
Loved this! Just what I needed for the day I had...love your humor....love to you and family xoxo
November 24, 2010 at 6:35 AM
ROFL! Any of these would have worked yesterday.
November 27, 2010 at 2:37 PM
All I have to do when I've had a rough day is read your blog. :D
Cheers me up every time - but sometimes I get a pain in my side from laughing too hard.
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